I Wanna Be Sedated
by my own patronus
Summary: The Andersons specialize in suppressing anything of great importance. But when the events of Blaine's junior year at McKinley bring back memories that he'd spent so much time trying to forget, his friends and brother help him come to terms with the demons of his past. Takes place during "On My Way" and "Big Brother". Warning for discussion of suicide. complete.
1. Oh no no no no no

**a/n: just found this while I was going through my Fanfic folder on my computer. I wrote it ages ago and at the top of the document in really big, bold font wrote, "DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL DONE WITH EVERYTHING ELSE." (I guess I wanted to avoid the exact problem I did run in to with _Stanton...I_ really should take my own advice more often). I'm finishing and revising it now, and should be releasing one chapter every week (on Friday).**

**Takes place during "On My Way" and "Big Brother". This same idea has been done tons of times before, but the story wouldn't stop writing itself in my head, and I had to get it down on paper. **

**Warning for discussion of suicide/attempted suicide, language, and violence. **

**Disclaimer: Glee and all related characters belong to Fox/Ryan Murphy and co.**

**Title comes from the song that made me a Ramones fan so many years ago, _I Wanna Be Sedated_**

* * *

Description: Time is fluid. Memories are pushed down. But when the events of Blaine's junior year at McKinley begin to remind him of his troubled past, he has to learn how to face it and how to deal with the repercussions. TW inside.

_February 2012_

Blaine appreciates all music. True, he tends to gravitate more towards the top 40 artists, but he isn't one to pass up a good indie band. And he loves classic rock. He'll even give rap a chance, even if it really isn't his style.

The first time he heard Young the Giant's mournful yet inspirational song "Cough Syrup," something stirred inside Blaine. Something that he had packed deep down within himself. Something which he had vowed to never think of again.

Of course, it was difficult to completely block out such an important event in his life. It had completely changed everything. Almost a year ago, the dam had opened just a crack, and those thoughts creeped back into his consciousness. But Blaine was ever the master of covering himself up and hiding the truth. After all, he had learned from the best.

No one in the Anderson family was genuine. No one expressed their real emotions. Blaine wasn't sure if he even slightly knew his parents or his brother. His parents had always put on their best "Stepford faces" as Blaine likes to call them. They wanted to impress their neighbors with their big house and fancy car. They wanted to impress their coworkers by being the best and making the most money. But they forgot about their kids in the middle of all that. Cooper was six years older than Blaine and has always been so consumed with being the most attractive, the most loved, and the best that he hardly ever let his guards down. Hardly. But then he'd left to go pursue his career in Hollywood. Even though everyone in North America recognized Cooper's face, Blaine had no idea who the man was anymore.

But hearing that song on the radio while driving to school, Blaine could feel the memories pressing to resurface. He ignored them, of course, but somehow still grew to love the song. Perhaps because it was something that could eventually move him to feel.

Blaine decided to suggest the song for regionals. It was perfect for the New Directions – emotionally rooted and powerful vocally.

But when he practiced the song for Kurt before showing it to the rest of the choir, he remembered why he hid behind his mask. The words of the song brought out the pain from the deepest places inside of him. And despite Kurt's insistence that it was beautiful and the rest of the New Directions would love it, Blaine knew that he would never sing the song again.

He was muted as he walked with Kurt to the choir room. Inside, however, Blaine was in turmoil as he tried to shove back down all the memories and emotions of three years ago.

* * *

The choir room is filled with chatter as the two boys enter. They are a few minutes late due to Blaine's performance, but Mr. Schuester is not yet there. Kurt and Tina engage in a lively conversation as soon as they are seated, but although Mike makes a few feeble attempts to talk to Blaine, the boy is too distracted to partake.

Schuester enters the choir room with an unusually serious expression on his face, which Blaine notices immediately. It takes the others a bit longer to notice and then quiet down. And then Schue deals the final blow on Blaine's walls.

"Guys, I have some serious news for you. I really don't know how to say this. I'm sure all of you remember Dave Karofsky." This is met with grumblings from the group gathered, most remembering how he terrorized all of them, especially Kurt, last year before transferring to another school. "He had some trouble at his new school earlier in the week. Apparently, they found out that Dave is … well, he's gay." A few shocked faces. Kurt's hand finds its way into Blaine's. "He couldn't take the pressure, the teasing. He tried to kill himself last night." Gasps all around. Blaine's body goes numb. "His father found him before it was too late, and he's at the hospital now. I know you guys never really got along with Dave, but he's going through a tough time and I'm sure your support would really be good for him right now. I think that's going to be all for today, so you all can think about this and how you can help Dave."

Blaine can hear the incredulous comments around him, a few girls are crying, and Kurt is giving him that look. The one that Blaine can't say no to. But right now, he can't deal with any of them. Still, he follows Kurt in order to keep up appearances, and he says all the right things as Kurt confesses his perceived guilt. He is the picture of cool, calm, and collected. But inside, Blaine is screaming.

Blaine goes home and ignores his homework. He throws together a quick dinner and showers until his fingers turn to prunes. But when Blaine's head hits the pillow that he has so long been craving and when his eyes close, all he sees are flashes of red and darkness. He hears shouts, thumps, a rattling noise. He cannot sleep.

He pads down the hall to his parent's bedroom. Inside their now unlocked bathroom, Blaine takes two of his dad's sleeping pills and lets the medication lull him into a dreamless sleep.

At school the next day, Schuester has the glee club sit in a circle in the auditorium. He has Rory eat some peanut butter. Then he talks about the day that he thought about killing himself.

Blaine almost laughs out loud. _Really, Mr. Schuester, _he thinks, _that's the worst possible thing that could've happened to you? Caught cheating on a test? Wow, your life must've been terrible_. Blaine rolls his eyes. _Bad grades and peanut butter. This is ridiculous. _

Blaine almost wants to shout this all out at them. Point out that Dave's situation is much more real than Schue's was. Because Dave really had no other options, if it was anything like … But Blaine doesn't speak, not until Schuester asks them all to say what they're looking forward to in life. _As if one silly thing really would be enough to keep someone thinking about it from doing it. If you want to, you will, and nothing's going to stop you_, Blaine scoffs. He says the words automatically, what he thinks Kurt would appreciate or expect. But what Blaine means is that he wants to go back in time, or maybe to an alternate time when no one would have cared that the awkward 14 year old boy liked other boys.

Blaine is withdrawn still, but everyone just thinks he is affected by what Dave tried. So he doesn't have to worry about any probing questions. And he is able to suppress enough to restore his facade in time.

* * *

Weeks later, Blaine has almost forgotten. When he hears the opening notes to "Cough Syrup" on the radio, he simply switches stations. No harm, no foul.


	2. Nothin' to do and no where to go

_April 2012_

Blaine is packing his things for school but sees no lunch bag or pile of change. He shoots a questioning glance at his mother, who simply says, "Cooper wanted to take you out for lunch."

"Cooper?" Blaine asks.

"He just came back to town and wanted to spend some time with you. Didn't he call you?"

"No. He didn't." _He never calls me._

Blaine's mother looks slightly confused, but brushes it off quickly and sends Blaine on his way.

* * *

In school, Blaine is distracted. He trips over his own feet, and Kurt catches him by the elbow.

"What's up? You've been acting weird all day."

"It's nothing. It's just … my brother. He's here apparently. I haven't heard from him in months, but apparently he wants to have lunch with me today."

"That's great! I've been curious about the mysterious Anderson boy that you refuse to tell me anything about."

"Believe me," Blaine said, "you probably already know who he is."

As if on cue, Cooper walks through the doors at the end of the hallway and walks up to Blaine. He scoops the younger boy up into a stiff hug and greets him somewhat awkwardly. "Hey Squirt, how've you been?"

Blaine grunts in reply.

"Wait – your brother is _the_ Cooper Anderson?" Kurt gushes. "How come you never told me?"

"Is this your boyfriend?" Cooper asks, stepping around Blaine.

"Kurt Hummel," Kurt says in a dazed voice as he extends a hand. "I am such a huge fan!"

"Why thank you," Cooper says before launching into something completely senseless and self centered. Kurt eats up every word of it.

Finally, Blaine has had enough. "Coop, shouldn't we get going?"

At lunch, the two brothers ask all the standard getting to know you questions, as if this was the first time they'd met. And it was in a way. They talk about neutral topics like music and TV and sports. And of course, they talk about Cooper. A lot. Never once does Cooper bring up any of the events of the past three years for which Blaine is both grateful and upset.

* * *

To Blaine's surprise and dismay, Cooper shows up in glee at the end of the day. He begins spewing off his crap about being a good actor. Blaine can't help but scoff at his brother. All the anger he's been holding in for the past few years seems to flare out for a moment, and he walks out of practice.

Cooper doesn't even come looking for him. Kurt finds Blaine boxing and coaxes the boy back to the choir room once Cooper is gone. Everyone is gushing about Cooper's master class on Saturday. A class that Blaine is expected to attend.

When rehearsal lets out later than usual, Kurt asks Blaine what happened. Blaine explains that it's just normal sibling tension, but Kurt still seems a little bit worried.

* * *

Cooper's class is supposed to take most of the day. Blaine doubts that Cooper actually has that much knowledge to share. He probably just wants to hear his voice.

The brothers get into an argument over a side from NCIS that Cooper has them rehearsing. After the explosion, Blaine almost walks away again. Instead, Mr. Schuester calls for a lunch break. Everyone goes their separate ways for the hour that they have off. Kurt and Blaine opt to head to the Lima Bean. Kurt is gushing over all the industry insider information he's getting, despite Cooper's insistence that Broadway is dead. Blaine plays the perfect and supportive boyfriend, but when they return to school 10 minutes early, Blaine decides to wait in the empty choir room instead of joining Kurt with the New Directions in the cafeteria.

Blaine begins singing to himself, to the empty room. He and Cooper used to be best friends. Coop would carry Blaine around and play games with him. He would comfort Blaine during thunderstorms. But then Cooper grew up. He learned their parent's way of masking, of hiding. And then he went off to college and Blaine barely saw him after that.

Another voice joins Blaine's as he reaches the chorus of Goyte's "Somebody That I Used to Know." He looks up and sees Cooper standing at the other end of the room. He doesn't know how long Coop has been there, but he must've been thinking the same things as Blaine. The two brothers' voices blend as they sing, and Blaine feels them connecting in a way that they haven't for years.

The song ends, and Cooper is silent for a minute, staring at Blaine. Finally, he speaks. "What's happened to us, Blaine? We used to be so close."

Blaine is silent, trying to hold in the tears. Once again, he can feels the walls inside of him crashing down.

"I want to make this right. I know that we've grown apart and I haven't been there for you much in the past few years, but –"

"Much?" Blaine interjects. "You haven't been there at all!" He doesn't know where all this is coming from, but suddenly, Blaine is shouting at his brother. "Where were you back when I was a freshman at that damn public school and those kids beat me to within an inch of my life? Where were you a month later when I finally woke up? Where were you when I was finally released from the hospital? You didn't even call _me_, you only talked to mom and dad, who were no comfort to me whatsoever. Did you know that they almost didn't expect me to wake up? Would you have even come for my funeral, or were you too busy? And then – what about when I had to repeat my freshman year at Dalton and start over? Where were you then? When I tried to end it all? You were off being a superstar, completely ignoring me! I kept calling you, and you never answered! And now, you're here and you want to make it better? You're a bit too late for that, Cooper."

"Blaine..."

"That's all you've got?" Blaine asks cynically. "Cooper Anderson, the perfect son, Hollywood's golden boy, the most attractive man in North America, and you can't even _fake _like you care? You know what, Coop? I don't even care any more. Two years ago, I would have given anything to hear you say that you wanted to fix this. But I learned to cope by myself." Blaine is sobbing now. He can tell that his words have hit home with Cooper, too, because the older man is speechless. Blaine gapes at his brother a second longer, as if waiting for an apology. When none comes, he spins around, and yanks open the choir room door.

Standing in an awkward group next to the door are the members of New Directions, Mr. Schuester, and Coach Sylvester. Blaine freezes when he sees them all standing there.

"Did, uh, did you hear all that?" he asks timidly as he tries to stop crying. Kurt is trying to make eye contact, but Blaine doesn't want to see the hurt in those beautiful eyes.

Puck is the one who speaks up. "It was kinda hard not to, dude."

"I've – I've gotta go," Blaine says, and he tries to break away.

Schuester sidesteps in front of him, and holds him by the shoulder. "Is there anything you need to talk about, Blaine?"

"God, no! Sorry, I mean, no thanks. I just need to be alone right now." And with that, Blaine runs off down the hallway. He is sure that the rest of his teammates are probably gossiping about what they overheard, but he can't even bring himself to care about that yet.

He locks himself in his car and cries until he is totally drained. When he is finished, he turns the key in his ignition and begins driving.

Somehow, Blaine ends up outside of the Westerville South High School gymnasium. He sits on a square of cement. In his imagination, it is still stained the reddish-brown color of dried blood. This isn't a happy place for Blaine, but it is the first step for him to finally begin to confront what happened to him.

Blaine's phone is vibrating in his pocket. He doesn't bother to look at the caller ID, he just turns it off.

He doesn't move for almost two hours, not until as the sun begins to set and Blaine feels chills from the wind. He slowly stands up, walks back to his car, and calmly drives the fifteen minutes to his house.

Cooper isn't there for dinner tonight; he's going out with some old high school friends. Blaine doesn't really care. He goes straight to his bedroom and pulls the shoebox out from under his bed. Inside, he still has a small bottle of vodka and some razor blades. But what he is looking for is the journal. The journal was his only friend for those few months he was at public school. He wrote every insult people threw at him. It detailed his journey from anger at the bullies to when he began to believe them. He even wrote his letters to his parents and Cooper in there. No one ever saw it though.

His mother calls him down for dinner. The three Andersons share a quiet meal. His father asks him about Cooper's class, and Blaine's chest tightens. What if someone told them? But he deftly lies, and his parents are none the wiser.

Blaine goes back up to his room after dinner and begins to read his journal from the beginning. As he reads it, he dulls the aches that reemerge with the vodka, and he falls into another dreamless sleep before he gets to the last eight pages.

Blaine has reread his journal a few times since the day, but never the last eight pages. He never will. Those were his good-byes. He wants to relive that even less than he wants to relive everything else.

Blaine spends Sunday doing homework. His cell phone and computer stay resolutely turned off. Cooper comes by for dinner, so Blaine fakes an upset stomach and stays upstairs. In reality, it's not that much of a lie. Thinking about everything really does make him queasy. He is asleep by the time Cooper comes upstairs to try to talk to him.

Blaine puts off leaving for school as long as possible. He knows he can't skip without arousing suspicion, but he doesn't want any free time for anyone to talk about what they may or may not have overheard. Or, worse, if Cooper filled them all in on how screwed up he is.

Blaine rushes into his first period English class seconds before the bell rings. Unfortunately, he has this class with Tina and Artie. They both give him concerned looks, but he is able to ignore them during class, and avoids them when the bell rings.

The person that Blaine can't avoid, however, is Kurt. Tina must've texted him during class to let him know that Blaine was here, because Kurt is waiting at the door of Blaine's classroom.

"Thank goodness, Blaine. I've been calling you all weekend."

"My phone was dead," Blaine lies.

"Are you okay? All that shouting between you and Cooper on Saturday … it sounded like you were bringing up some bad memories." Kurt only knew the smallest amount of information necessary.

"I'm fine," Blaine says. He knows that Kurt didn't believe him, but thankfully, his boyfriend seems to humor him. Kurt dropped Blaine off at his next classroom and gave the boy's arm a tight squeeze. "I'll see you at lunch?" Blaine nods stiffly.

Barely five minutes into his next class, however, the teacher's instruction is interrupted as another student brings in a note from the office. "Blaine?" she calls. He looks up at her. "Gather your things. They want to see you in Ms. Pillsbury's office."

There is a sinking feeling in the pit of Blaine's stomach. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury are engaged. Of course the choir director had told the guidance counselor about his troubled student.

He slouches into Ms. Pillsbury's office and takes a seat in one of the uncomfortable chairs before her desk.

"So, Blaine," she begins. "Mr. Schuester told me that you had some problems with your brother. He said thinks got very heated on Saturday at the master class and you mentioned some things about your past."

Blaine refuses to make eye contact, instead studying the pattern of the carpet.

"Now, no one in the glee club, Mr. Schuester included, knows the details of your previous schooling. However, as the guidance counselor, I do have access to your files. Blaine, do you want to talk about what happened at Westerville South?"

Blaine's insides freeze. He shakes his head, but still looks only at the carpet.

"Does Kurt know what happened?"

A pause, then Blaine shakes his head vigorously.

"Blaine, you can't keep all this to yourself. We don't want you to harm yourself again."

"I'm not –" Blaine cuts himself off before he can finish what he was saying.

Ms. Pillsbury gives him a questioning look. When she realizes that Blaine isn't going to say any more, she begins to speak again. "Blaine, I really think it would be best if someone else knew about this. Now, I can tell Mr. Schuester if you think he is a teacher you can trust, but you should definitely tell Kurt yourself."

"No! I don't want anyone to know! Why did you go looking in my files anyway?" Blaine finally looks up. Emma Pillsbury saw no anger in his eyes – just fear and hurt and confusion.

"You can't keep this all bottled up inside of you, Blaine, you need to find an outlet. I only suggested Mr. Schuester as I thought you might feel more comfortable talking to him about it. You can always continue talking to me."

"I don't want to talk to anyone about this. It's all in the past – can't we just keep it that way?" Blaine is silent for a minute longer. "Why am I even here?"

"Like I said earlier, Mr. Schuester and a few glee club members expressed concern for you after Saturday's class."

"Who?"

"I'm not going to give you names, Blaine," Ms. Pillsbury responds evenly.

"Kurt? It was Kurt, wasn't it?" Blaine doesn't have to wait for a response; he knows that this was exactly the sort of thing Kurt would do. "Well, thanks for your concern, Ms. Pillsbury, but I'm really fine on my own." With that, Blaine stands up and marches out of the office.

* * *

At lunch, Blaine angrily stomps over to the glee club's usual table, too upset to actually eat.

"What did you have to go to Ms. Pillsbury for?" Blaine says as soon as he saw Kurt.

Kurt freezes in his seat. He doesn't know what to say to soothe his upset boyfriend. "I just thought – you seemed so upset, and I thought talking about it would help -"

"Did you ever think," Blaine interrupts, "that maybe the reason I've never talked about it is because I'm not totally over it yet? That maybe I still get those feelings and the only way to stop myself is to push it all down?" He doesn't know how much Kurt knows or guessed, he's just rambling now. By this point, much of the rest of the glee club has gathered as well.

He can tell Kurt doesn't want to make a scene. The boy just reaches out an hand to squeeze Blaine's shoulder. "Just remember that I love you, Blaine."

Blaine feels a sob rising in his chest, but pushes it back down. He sits quietly at the end of the table during lunch. He doesn't speak. He doesn't look up. But he can sense that most of the members of glee keep glancing over at him in concern.

* * *

Cooper is back in glee club today, and Blaine almost walks out when he sees his brother. But Cooper catches him by the arm, and pleads with his eyes for him to stay. Blaine narrows his eyes, but takes his seat next to Kurt. Cooper seems relieved that Blaine is there, and he visibly relaxes. He begins a senseless lesson about posing for headshots, which Blaine easily tunes out. He lets his mind wander.

When glee club lets out for the evening, Blaine walks over to Mr. Schuester.

"I know you talked to Ms. Pillsbury about me, and I don't know what she told you. I want to say thanks for your concern, but I'm not ready to discuss it. However, I do think I owe it to everyone to tell them … something. Do you think you could help me with that?"

Schue nods. "Of course, Blaine. And thank you. For opening up, even a little."

* * *

Before glee club begins on Tuesday, Schuester stands before the class. Sue Sylvester, Ms. Pillsbury, and Cooper stand on the side.

"Before we begin today's lesson, Blaine had something he wanted to say," Schue says simply. "Blaine? The floor is yours."

Blaine nods his head, and numbly walks to the front of the room. Cooper and Kurt each wear matching expressions of shock. Blaine takes a seat on the stool in the front of the room. Now that he's here, he's not sure if he can talk. He gulps and opens his mouth, surprised when words come out. "Not many people know the whole story. Not even Kurt. It's just my family, my doctors, and some teachers at Dalton. And that's not what I'm giving you now. This is just a...summary." He is surprised at how hollow his voice sounds. "You guys know that I'm a junior, even though I'm the same age as Kurt. And I usually tell people that my parents held me back a year before kindergarten because I was so small. That story's a lot easier. But the truth is, my freshman year at Westerville South was the same year as the seniors'. I had to repeat it after I missed the second half of the school year. See, there was this dance. The winter ball. And it was a Sadie Hawkins. So I thought that I might ask my one friend to go with me since we were the only gay kids at the school. No one else seemed to like that, and afterwards, some guys beat us pretty bad. They hit my head a bunch of times." Here Blaine pauses. He's about to enter into the part of the story that he's never told Kurt; the part that he had planned on keeping secret forever.

"I was in a coma for about a month. After I woke up, they kept me in the hospital for another month. By then it was March. And I refused to go back to school. So my parents transferred me to Dalton and I had to repeat my freshman year." Blaine pauses again. His throat has tightened up. This whole time, he had been staring at his shoes, and only now does he look up. Kurt looks so hurt that Blaine has kept so much from him. A few of the girls are crying, and the boys have expressions of shock mixed with anger. The three adults standing on the edge all looked a little sickened, but less shocked.

"There's a whole lot more that I really can't go into now," Blaine says.

Finally someone else speaks up. "That's more than enough, Blaine. Thank you," Mr. Schuester says. Blaine nods numbly and walks back to his seat. He tries to ignore Kurt's gaze for fear that he would break down right then and there if he had to see the hurt and pity in his boyfriend's eyes.

When Cooper begins his lesson, the class is subdued, but they soon begin to loosen up. By the time they are dismissed, only Blaine and Kurt are still misty eyed.

"Hey – Squirt," Cooper says as Blaine passes him.

"Please don't call me that," Blaine says. He is shocked by how worn and tired his voice sounds.

"Sorry, Blaine. But, can I give you a ride home? We really need to talk about – about, well, everything."

Blaine weighs his options. He is too tired to fight, and he really doesn't want to talk to Kurt about his betrayal, so he just nods and follows a relieved and slightly stressed Cooper out of the building.

Instead of heading home, Cooper drives to an empty park and stops his car. "Look, Blaine, I know I don't really have an excuse for any of this. I _wasn't _there. And that is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I was trying to distance myself from Ohio when I was first starting out in LA. So I didn't talk to you that much. And you called me so many times in the weeks leading up to the dance, that when mom called me and told me what happened I felt so guilty. I wanted to come see you, but I thought that you were going to be so angry with me. I was scared and a coward, and just ended up making things worse. I was there, for a few days, while you were out, but I couldn't face you when you woke back up."

"Coop," Blaine says, voice breaking, "all I wanted was my big brother to tell me that everything was going to be okay. Instead I got mom and dad telling me that it probably wasn't a good idea to have gone to the dance with another boy, and a five second phone call from you. I wasn't angry at you until after. You know, when I..."

Cooper nods. "I know that now, but I was such a coward back then. And I know it's not an excuse, but it's all I can say. I just really want to make things right now."

Blaine is silent for a minute. His cheeks are wet and his eyes rimmed in red. "I tried to kill myself," Blaine says. It is the first time he has ever spoken those words aloud to anyone, even himself. "I seriously wanted to end it all. I was angry when I woke up in that hospital bed – again – and realized that I'd failed at something else. And you still weren't there. You came home a month later for Christmas, but not when your little brother almost died a second time."

"I know," Cooper says. Tears are streaming down his cheeks. "I'm so, so sorry, Blaine. That is my greatest regret in life."


	3. I can't control my brain

_January 2009_

The posters had been up since before Christmas break. Westerville South's annual Winter Ball would be a Sadie Hawkins dance. Girl's choice.

Blaine sighed sadly each time he saw one of the posters. It might have been fun to go to the dance. And sure, plenty of people would be going alone, but it would be so much more awkward at a dance that was practically "Heterosexual couples" themed.

Blaine walked into the cafeteria on the Friday a week before the dance and collected his food. It was unappealing as usual, but he didn't really mind that much. He took a seat at a table in the far corner and waited for Emmett, his best and only friend at school. Emmett was also the only other kid who was out.

Emmett slid into a seat across from Blaine, clutching a sack lunch from home. He looked thoroughly exhausted. Blaine gave him a small smile, but there wasn't much encouragement behind it. School was pretty much hell for the two boys. Either could have been reasonably cool – Blaine had been friends with the right people in middle school and Emmett had the perfect build (and skill set) to be a star on the football field. But Blaine's friends had all dumped him when he came out, and stepping anywhere near the gym – and the jocks – was completely idiotic. So the two had found each other.

The boys were happily discussing different teams' prospects in NFL playoffs, a topic that both found interesting despite stereotypes, when Blaine suddenly had the strangest urge.

"Do you maybe want to go to the winter ball with me? As friends, obviously?"

Emmett was struck silent by Blaine's out of the blue proposal. Finally, he cracked a small smile and said, "Aren't girls supposed to ask guys to the dance?"

Blaine blushed furiously and began backtracking. "Yeah, of course. Sorry. I just thought – dances are kind of a rite of passage – no one else – but you're right."

"So, was there even a coherent thought anywhere in that jumble?" Emmett asked.

"I – just – just ignore it. Pretend that I never asked."

"But what if I want to go?" Blaine looked shocked, so Emmett continued. "Like you said, or at least, I _think _you said, dances are a high school rite of passage. And there's strength in numbers, so why not go together?"

Blaine grinned widely. "Cool."

After school that day, he excitedly called his brother to let him know the exciting news. Cooper's phone rang and rang, and finally an automated voice proclaimed that the voice mailbox was full. Blaine decided to wait a few hours and try again. And again. And again.

* * *

Up until about 15 minutes before the dance, Blaine didn't think it was a bad idea at all. His parents didn't seem to mind that he was going with another boy to the school dance. Emmett's parents, unfortunately, didn't condone their son's sexuality, but Cassie, his sister, made up for it with her enthusiasm. She drove them to the dance and took pictures excitedly.

"I wish my school held more dances," she'd commented in the car. Cassie went to an all-girls private school nearby. "But I guess that all of ours are technically Sadie Hawkins." Blaine grinned slightly at her attempt at humor, but now that he was on his way to the dance, he was starting to freak out.

The kids at school were brutal to Blaine and Emmett on a casual everyday basis. How would they react to two boys attending a dance together?

All in all, though, it seemed that Blaine really didn't have too much to worry about. Sure, they were subjected to snide remarks throughout the evening, but most people didn't notice the two boys.

When the dance ended, Emmett called Cassie to get a ride back home. "I'll be there in a little bit," she said. "I'm still out with a couple of my friends. Can you wait in the gym or something?"

"Yeah, of course," Emmett said as he and Blaine settled into seats on the curb.

"Your sister is really awesome," Blaine said, attempting to keep the jealousy out of his voice.

"Yeah, she really is," Emmett agreed. "What about your brother? He's a lot older than you, right?"

Blaine nodded. "Six years. We used to get along so well, but in the past could of years, it's just been weird. I mean, I've been calling him for the past week, and not once has he picked up."

"That's rough. But he's probably like super busy in LA, you know with auditions and stuff."

"I guess. Last I heard, mom said he booked a commercial for some online credit score company or something, so I guess that probably takes up time."

Across the almost empty parking lot, Blaine saw a few shadowy figures approaching. Maybe it was a trick of the light, but they each looked gigantic. Blaine tensed slightly at the sight and Emmett followed his gaze. "Crap," the boy muttered under his breath. "Hurry up, Cassie."

It almost looked like the group was going to hop into one of the cars, but then they turned and made a direct line for Blaine and Emmett.

"Stand up, Blaine," Emmett said. "Now."

Blaine struggled to his feet, feeling the blood rush back into his legs. He hadn't even realized that they had started to fall asleep. The tingling sensation made him unsteady, and he wavered and stumbled a bit.

"Walk much, homo?" one of the figures called over.

"What do you want?" Emmett called back, both boys having ignored the insult.

"I want little freaks like you and your fairy friend to stop spreading your gay all over the place," the boy said. He and Emmett were standing face to face and neither one was backing down.

"So which one of you little pussies is the girl then? Who takes it in the ass? I bet it's you, Anderson. You're such a girly little faggot."

Blaine's arm jerked slightly at the slur, as if he wanted to hit the boy, but then thought better of it. The action did not go unnoticed.

"Aww, the little homo fairy thinks he can take us?" a boy taunted in a baby voice.

"Back off," Emmett muttered in a low growl.

"Oh, I think they _do _think they can take us."

"We'll see about that." With that, one boy socked Blaine in the stomach while another pinned Emmett's arms behind his back. Blaine and Emmett were sorely outnumbered, five to two. They didn't know how strong of a fighter Emmett was, though. He managed to wrestle himself out of their grips and even landed a few punches. They boys seemed to want to focus on the easier target, though: Blaine.

Blaine had doubled over at the first punch, and was soon knocked off balance by a number of pushes, shoves, and punches coming from all directions. The boys gave up on using their fists and began to kick Blaine.

Emmett was still fighting two boys as he saw Blaine go down. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see them stomping and kicking the small boy. Rage rose within his chest and he punched one of the boys so hard he fell to the ground.

The boys around Blaine didn't notice when the curly haired boy stopped moving, stopped fighting back. They kept aiming their kicks anywhere they could. There were more than a few well-aimed kicks to the head "to knock some sense into his sick gay mind."

Emmett rushed over to the three around Blaine and tried to pull them off, but he wasn't a match for four larger teenage boys. The parking lot, which had been almost dark, was suddenly flooded with light as a car drove in. Its headlights illuminating the seven boys strewn across the sidewalk.

Cassie flew out of her car. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" The five boys split, running towards their last two cars on the other side of the parking lot.

"Oh my God, Em, are you okay?" she gushed. Emmett had a bloody nose and he could feel a black eye blooming, but he nodded. "Blaine!" he gasped, remembering his friend.

Emmett and Cassie rushed over the the smaller boy. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Is he dead? He can't be dead, right Cas?"

Cassie's breath hitched in her throat. The boy wasn't moving. There was a small pool of red around him. She timidly reached a hand to his neck and felt around. "I've got it," she breathed in a sigh of relief. "I've got a pulse!"

Emmett sank down in relief. "Oh thank God. Shit, what do we do now?"

"I'll call an ambulance. Yeah, um okay. Where's my phone?"

Neither teenage was in a state to deal with the situation at hand; they were too frazzled. Cassie finally managed to type the three numbers into her phone. When the operator answered the call, she began speaking in a shaky voice. "Hi, um, my brother and his friend were just attacked – beat up – outside Westerville South's gymnasium. My brother says he's fine, but his friend-" Cassie's voice breaks. "The kid hasn't moved or anything. I could feel a faint pulse, but it's really bad."

"I'm sending an ambulance right away," the operator said in a calming voice. "It should be there in a couple of minutes."

* * *

John and Maye Anderson rushed into the Westerville General Hospital emergency room at 12:06 am.

"Blaine Anderson – where is he?" they demanded.

The nurse at the station looked down at her charts before answering. "He's in the OR now. I'll have the doctor talk to you when he's done." The couple nodded and walked over to the chairs. A girl in stained jeans and an overlarge sweatshirt was sitting in another chair nearby. Upon closer inspection, Maye recognized Cassie, the older sister of Blaine's friend.

"Cassie?" the woman said in a soft voice.

The girl looked up. He face was stained with tear tracks and wrought with guilt.

"Mrs. Anderson," she breathed shakily. "Hi."

"How is your brother, darling?"

"He's – uh – he's okay. He's got a fractured wrist and some nasty cuts and bruises, but he's not bad, I guess. They're just patching him up now."

"Do you – did you hear anything about Blaine?" the woman asks, afraid of any answer she will receive.

Cassie looks like she's about to burst into tears again. "I'm so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, it's all my fault! I was out with some friends, so it took me really long to get the boys. They were the last ones there other than those – those jackasses. I'm so, so sorry!"

Maye moved to the seat next to Cassie and placed a comforting arm over the girl's shoulder. They'd already been given a brief description of the event by the police, so the news didn't surprise her too much. "Oh, honey," Maye said as she rubbed Cassie's back, "it's not your fault at all. John and I would never think to blame you. It's those boys."

Cassie hiccoughed a little. In a small voice, she began speaking again. "When I got there, Blaine was on the ground. And he – he wasn't moving or anything, but I could feel a tiny pulse. But that's all I know, I was with Emmett."

Maye thanked the distraught teenager and pulled her in to a tight hug. The two women stayed frozen in that position for a while. Maye was glad that she had something to do, something to keep her mind from exploring every worst-case scenario that could have possibly occurred.

Hours later, a doctor came out to talk with the Andersons. By this point, Cassie and Emmett were long gone – by request of their parents, not by choice.

The doctor was a tired looking man in his fourties. His dark hair was smattered with silvery gray hairs. Something about that comforted Maye Anderson. He looked like a father. He looked like he really cared about Blaine. His name was Dr. Carson.

Dr. Carson began telling them what happened. Maye tuned him out as he listed a laundry list of Blaine's injuries – broken ribs, internal bleeding, brain swelling. The really important part came last. "He's in a coma now. He hasn't woken up since being discovered at the scene. We're not sure of the full extent of the damage just yet – we're waiting for the swelling to go down. But there is a chance that he might not wake up."

Maye collapsed into the arms of her husband at these words. "Can we see him now?" John asked in a choked voice.

* * *

For the next month, Maye and John sank into a new routine. They went to work in the morning. Met at the hospital as soon as they got out. A new normal. Frequently they ran into Cassie and Emmett at the hospital. After the attack, their parents pulled Emmett from Westerville South and enrolled him at Cassie's brother school. Both kids sat beside Blaine's bed in their plaid and blazers and blamed themselves.

John called Cooper after the attack. It was almost a week before the older Anderson boy called back.

"What's up, dad?"

"Cooper. Your mother and I – we have something to tell you. I'm sure Blaine told you about going to his school dance?"

That must have been why Blaine had been calling him, Cooper realized. "Um, yeah, of course," he lied, covering up the fact that he'd still not called his little brother back, and making a mental note to call the kid as soon as he was done talking to his dad.

"After the dance – there were some boys who weren't pleased that Blaine went there with another boy."

_Oh God_, Cooper hoped that his father wasn't going to say what he feared he would.

"They beat him and his friend up pretty bad. He's in a coma." John Anderson's voice broke. Cooper had never heard his strong father sound so scared and weak.

_No no no no no no no. This can't be happening._

"Dad, I'm swamped with auditions and rehearsals an stuff here. I don't have to leave LA, right? I'm sure it's not that bad, right? _Right_?"

"The doctors – they're saying he might not wake up."

_Shit_.

"I'll book a flight. Right now. I'll see you soon, dad."

* * *

Cooper arrived at the hospital four days later. He knew his parents were still at work, and he was scared of being alone with his younger brother.

He sat down next to the younger boy. It almost looked like Blaine was sleeping – if you could look past all the tubes sticking out of him. But there was an unnatural stillness surrounding the boy. Cooper's insides went cold at the sight. "I'm sorry, Blaine," he whispered.

He left a few days later. He thought he might be able to stay longer, but he felt so consumed by guilt. Maybe he couldn't have prevented this from happening, but he could have answered the phone and talked to his brother. He hadn't been busy all that time, he just hadn't wanted to talk. And now he might not get to again. Ever.

Back in LA, Cooper threw himself into his work. He had a new drive within himself and suddenly he was booking small parts and commercials left and right.

* * *

It was a Friday. 34 days after the dance. 11:03 in the morning.

The hospital room was silent save for the steady beeping of medical equipment. And suddenly, the beeping sped up, the boy's eyes fluttered, and his fingers twitched.

* * *

Two days later, he was sitting up in bed and speaking hoarsely with his parents. Maye was still tearful, thankful that her baby woke up. Blaine asked what happened. All he could remember was falling to the ground and a few blows to the head.

"Maybe you shouldn't have gone to the dance with Emmett, Blaine," John said. "You already knew that the kids at your school didn't like … that." John didn't want to be so harsh with his son, especially since he had just woken up. But the Anderson family doesn't do emotional confrontations well. Or at all.

Later, just as Blaine was falling asleep, a thought occurred to him. "Cooper?" he asked.

"He – uh – he can't come honey. He's busy working in LA."

"Oh. Is he coming later?"

"I don't know, sweetie."

Blaine drifted off into an uneasy sleep filled with hulking shadowy figures. He awoke suddenly hours later, drenched in a cold sweat. There was a girl sitting next to him, her blonde hair falling over her eyes and she held one of Blaine's hands.

Blaine blinked up at the face above him. He recognized the girl – he just couldn't place her.

"Is he awake?" a voice asked from behind the concerned girl. Suddenly, Emmett emerged from behind and everything clicked into place.

"Em? Cassie?" Blaine asked blearily.

Both teens smiled brightly, but there was a certain deep sadness behind them. Emmett looked different from the last time Blaine saw him. His hair was more neatly trimmed. He was wearing khaki pants, a navy blazer with some sort of patch, and a navy and gold striped tie.

Emmett sank down into the chair on the other side of Blaine's bed. His bruises were all faded and his cast had been removed a few days earlier. The only lasting reminders of the attack for him were a small scar on his wrist and the new school uniform.

"Hey Blaine," Cassie said warmly. She lifted her hand from Blaine's to wipe tears from her eyes.

"How're you doing?" Emmett asked.

Blaine was still confused. He really couldn't piece together everything that had happened in the past month. One whole month of his life, gone.

"What happened?" Blaine finally asked. Emmett and Cassie were both surprised by how hoarse his voice still was.

"You mean … then?" Emmett asked cautiously.

Blaine nodded.

"Do you really want to talk about it?" Cassie asked.

Blaine nodded again.

They began the tale of everything that happened after Blaine fell. His parents had refused to tell him as much, and his doctor had used such technical terms. But Cassie and Emmett were telling it to him plainly. And frankly, it scared the shit out of Blaine.

When they finished their story, the two teens stared at Blaine expectantly. He blinked back a few tears. "Thanks for coming guys. It really means so much to me."

"Of course we'd come. You didn't think we'd let you in here alone, did you?" Emmett asked, trying to lighten the mood. One word flashed through Blaine's mind: _Cooper_.

"So, why the uniform?" Blaine asked.

"My parents pulled me out. Not exactly for my safety, just for the family's name apparently. Too many people knew what an abhorrence I was at that school." Emmett looked bitter as he spat out the words.

Emmett and Cassie exchanged a look, and then Emmett continued speaking. "They're actually planning on moving so we can all 'start fresh,' or whatever. I think they're hoping I'll come to my senses or something."

"You're – you're leaving?" Blaine asked. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."

Cassie was thunderstruck. "What are you talking about? None of this is your fault, Blaine."

"It is. If I hadn't suggested we go to the dance, if I had been able to fight back, none of this would have happened, and you could stay here."

Emmett grabbed Blaine's hand and held it tightly. "Blaine, this isn't your fault. I wanted to go to that dance. With you. And there were three guys beating down on you, no one could have held them off."

"You did."

"Yeah, well, I'm a bit bigger than you are."

"Anyway, if we're playing the blame game, I don't see why you are both neglecting to look at me," Cassie offers. "I should have been there right away when the dance let out." She had never mentioned this fear, not since the night of the dance. Not even to Emmett.

Emmett shook his head as if trying to clear away Blaine's and Cassie's confessions. "Stop it, both of you. It's those ignorant idiots we should be blaming."

"Right," Blaine said, but not with total conviction.

* * *

A month later, Blaine was sitting in a wheel chair while his parents signed forms at the nurses station. Kate, Blaine's favorite nurse, was pushing the chair from behind.

"You know, I _am_ perfectly capable of walking by myself," Blaine said.

"Yeah, but what would happen if you fell over and had to be readmitted to the hospital before you even left the building? Anyway, it's hospital policy."

"Fine, fine."

At the hospital doors, Blaine stood and took his first steps outside in just over two months. His mother was hovering at his elbow while his father jogged ahead to get the car.

"How's, uh, how's Cooper doing?" Blaine asked, trying to appear casual and offhand. In the month since he'd woken up, he had spoken to Coop only once. It was just long enough for Cooper to say, "Hey, Squirt, glad you're awake! You had us all worried there for a minute. Listen, I'm really busy now, but we'll talk later, okay?"

Maye looked at her youngest son. She knew that Cooper was feeling uncomfortable about the situation, but she didn't know that the two boys hadn't talked at all. "He's doing quite well, actually. His commercial is going to air nationwide starting later this month."

"Wow. That's really great. That must be why he hasn't been able to come out here; he's so busy with that."

"I'm sure that's why."

* * *

Blaine spent a week lounging at his house before his parents approached him.

"Blaine, we need to talk about school," John said. Before the words were even out of his mouth, Blaine cut in with a panicked expression on his face. "I'm not going back there!"

"We know you're not, honey, at least not this year. You've already missed two months, you're so far behind. And I know that you keep getting headaches and that bright lights bother you. You can't even concentrate for very long. School isn't on the table for you right now."

"So, what are we talking about then?" Blaine asked.

"Well, you _have _missed two months of school. You're going to have to make up the rest of your freshman year later, or repeat it altogether," John said.

"So I have to spend even more time in high school? No way!"

"Blaine," Maye said, laying a firm but gentle hand on his arm, "if you feel up to it, you can take some classes online over the summer. And you can switch schools. Maybe go to school with Emmett next year. It's not that far away from here at all."

"Emmett's family's moving at the end of the year."

"Well, we can consider other options. There are a few schools that we can send you to. You could try Westerville Central or Westerville North-"

"No more public school."

"Or there's St. Andrew's School – that's not too far either." Blaine doesn't respond.

"There's also Dalton Academy. But it's further away. Anyway, why don't you spend some time thinking about your options, and let us know your decision when you're ready, okay?"

Blaine nodded his head numbly and went up to his room. He sat in the dark room and looked up the schools his mother and father mentioned.

He thought about trying to take classes over the summer when he should be at the beach. He thought about having to be a freshman all over again, only this time, he'd stick out even more.

His head started to hurt from the strain of concentrating for too long, so Blaine curled up on his bed and let his music lull him to sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, his decision was made.

* * *

"Mom?" Blaine asked as he walked into the kitchen. Maye looked up at him. "Can you get dad? I need to talk to you guys."

Moments later, John and Maye sat across the table from Blaine.

"I think I've made up my mind about next year. I want to start over, totally fresh. I'll do freshman year again. I don't know if I'd really be able to handle classes over the summer, anyway. My headaches probably won't go away for a while."

John and Maye nodded their heads, but didn't speak.

"And I'd like to go to Dalton Academy. I know it's pretty far away, but I looked it up online and it's a really nice school. The clubs sound really fun. And they have a no tolerance bullying policy that is actually enforced. So, yeah. I want to go to Dalton in the fall."


	4. I Wanna Be Sedated

_November 2009_

Blaine was sitting in his bedroom, cell phone in hand. It listed 27 outgoing calls to Cooper in the past week. Zero incoming calls since February. He sighed and threw his phone to the floor.

Dalton was … well, it was tough. The curriculum was more advanced than at Westerville South. Even though Blaine had already been through the first semester of all these classes, he felt like he was falling behind. To add to all that, he couldn't even sit through an entire school day without getting a headache. The nurse and faculty knew all about what happened in January, so Blaine was given a little leeway, but not much.

The one consistently good thing was the Warblers. Blaine joined the singing group in his second week at Dalton and had never regretted it, even when the council kept them practicing late into the night. Thanks to the Warblers, Blaine had friends, people to sit with. The problem with friends was that they cared. They asked questions.

At the first Warblers meeting, everyone went around the circle and introduced themselves. When it was Blaine's turn, he said, "I'm Blaine Anderson. I'm 15 and a freshman. I've never sung much before this," and he thought nothing of it.

The boy sitting next to him, another freshman named Jeff, turned to him. "Wow, man, I'm not even 14 yet. Why aren't you a sophomore?"

Blaine froze. "I, um, I – I mean – my parents wanted to, uh, to wait a year before starting me in kindergarten? Because I was pretty small."

And thus was his excuse born.

* * *

Jeff and Blaine sat next to each other in their last period English class. It was the end of a long week in October, and Blaine was tired. Their teacher was having them analyze Chaucer's _The Canterbury Tales _and compare the Old English text with the modern English translations. All elements combined, leaving Blaine incredibly uncomfortable. He was squinting at the small text, the overhead lights were like spotlights, and his head felt like it was about to split open. But there was still an hour left of the day.

When he could take it no longer, Blaine raised his hand.

Ms. Emerson walked over to Blaine's desk. "Yes, Blaine?"

He was having trouble thinking clearly through the ache and the haze. "My head … and the lights ... Can I go...?"

"Of course, right away. Do you need someone to help you?"

"No, m'fine," Blaine said as he staggered up and stumbled out of the room.

Jeff had been watching the entire exchange in curiosity and then surprise when Blaine was allowed to leave. Ms. Emerson was one of the strictest teachers in the school, yet she had let Blaine walk out of there without any thought.

Blaine wasn't at Warbler's rehearsal after school. The head of the council said that he'd heard from the nurse that a preexisting condition had been aggravated and Blaine needed to leave early.

When Jeff saw Blaine again on Monday, he confronted him about what had happened. Blaine looked entirely uncomfortable.

"I just get headaches sometimes."

He hated lying to his friends, but he hated what they'd think if they knew the truth.

* * *

The headaches had almost ceased over the past summer. But they had picked up once school had started, and had been increasing in frequency and intensity since.

Emmett and Cassie had moved to live near their family in Indiana, leaving Blaine all alone.

Cooper had never come home. Cooper had never called.

Blaine had friends at Dalton, but they didn't know him. Not really. They knew he was gay, sure, but that was about it. The rest was just a bunch of lies.

His grades were dropping.

His parents spent most of their time at work now that so much time had passed since Blaine had been released from the hospital. He was no longer some wounded baby bird that needed to be watched at all times.

Cooper never called.

Blaine felt more alone at Dalton, despite having so many friends.

He felt alone at home when he would end up making dinner for himself three nights a week.

Blaine had taken to calling Cooper multiple times a day, just to talk to his brother. Just to hear his voice, and not in that annoying TV commercial.

Cooper never called back.

Back in April, when Blaine had been home for a few weeks, he started weaning himself off of the painkillers. The doctors kept prescribing them, and Blaine kept accepting them, but he took fewer than they thought. He just kept them around in case he ever got a really bad headache.

But now he saw the orange pill bottle on his nightstand and was tempted.

He wasn't sure why – things seemed great. But he was so alone.

He found the journal that he kept last year. He opened it to the first blank page and began writing. _Dear Mom, Dad, Cooper, Emmett, Cassie, and anyone who cares enough to read this_.

When he finished writing, Blaine was completely drained. He picked up the phone and dialed Cooper's number one final time. Cooper didn't answer.

Blaine grabbed the pill bottle and a glass of water. He downed the entire bottle, then sat to wait.

The slip into unconsciousness was much more pleasant this time.

* * *

Maye Anderson came home from her work early that day. She called up to Blaine and heard no response. Deciding to check up on the boy, she walked upstairs and knocked on the bedroom door. No response. She opened the door and immediately knew something was wrong. Blaine looked like he could have been sleeping, slumped as he was on the floor. But his body looked unnatural. And there was an empty pill bottle resting in his hand. In the boy's other hand was his cell phone. 28 outgoing calls. 0 incoming calls.

Time slowed as Maye walked up to her youngest son. She found a light pulse, and sighed in relief. Tears flowed freely from her eyes as she called 911.

The police asked her all sorts of questions that she didn't know the answer to. Had Blaine seemed distant, withdrawn? Was he having difficulty adjusting to his new school? Had anything happened that could have triggered this? Had he ever hinted that he might want out?

John held her in his arms as they waited in the uncomfortable ER waiting room.

_How are we back here again?_

* * *

When Blaine regained consciousness, he was placed on 72-hour suicide watch.

When he was released, the doctors recommended a few psychiatrists.

Blaine spent a week at home with his parents. They took turns staying home from work to watch him. He wasn't allowed to be alone anywhere. He wasn't allowed to do anything without supervision. He couldn't even cut up his own food or wear his sneakers. All medications were locked in his parents' bathroom. Knives, razors, anything sharp was locked in a kitchen drawer.

That was when Blaine began his collection. He didn't think he'd ever try again, but it was nice to know he could.

Before returning to school, Blaine met with one of the psychiatrists. He met with the school nurse.

And on the Monday before Thanksgiving break, Blaine walked back into Dalton's halls.

If everyone knew, as he suspected they did, no one let on. There was no gaping in the halls, or people whispering behind his back. But people did seem to tread carefully around Blaine. His teachers spoke to him as if he was a child, and everyone was too smiley.

Blaine didn't go to lunch. He went to the nurse's office for the period, claiming he had another headache. She let him lie down in the dark room for the period.

It was a Warbler's rehearsal that everything changed. Blaine walked in, and everyone froze. All eyes flew to him. He awkwardly walked to the corner of his room to drop his bag. With his back to the group, he pulled his phone out of the bag. 0 missed calls, 0 messages.

When Blaine turned around, he was engulfed in hugs from his teammates.

No one asked him about it. They all maintained that they were there if he ever wanted or needed to talk, but no one pressured him.

At home, his parents also didn't pressure him to talk. But they never offered to talk.

Cooper didn't come home for Thanksgiving. Blaine called him. Cooper never answered.

* * *

**a/n: thanks to everybody who is reading and reviewing.  
Shameless plug: I recently caved and got a tumblr. I've posted a few small fics there that probably won't ever be posted on here (they're all Blangsty) so if you're interested check me out. my url is my-own-patronus**


	5. Get me to the show

_April 2012_

Cooper's master class will be resuming soon; the lunch break is almost over. Kurt and the rest of the New Directions get up from their tables in the cafeteria and begin walking back to the choir room. Everyone is talking – about Cooper, his advice, his career, everything. As they near the choir room, Kurt can tell something is wrong. He hears raised voices from within. One voice sounds a lot like his boyfriend. The others notice it too.

"What's going on?" Mercedes asks. Kurt shakes his head and puts a finger to his lips. He doesn't know why, but he's pretty sure that this isn't something that Blaine wants people to know about.

Schue and Coach Sylvester come to the room to discover the majority of the New Directions are crowded around the door, listening to the raised voices inside with worried expressions.

"Um, guys?" Schue begins to ask, but everyone simultaneously shakes their heads and shushes him.

They listen harder.

With every word that is shouted from inside, Kurt's heart breaks. He hears the pain and the hurt and the shame in Blaine's voice, and that alone is heartbreaking enough. But the words that Blaine is shouting, carelessly throwing into the empty room – they scare Kurt more than anything else.

Kurt never realized how little he knew about his boyfriend. He always just accepted everything that Blaine told him, because why would Blaine have reason to lie? But here he is, shouting about almost being killed and then trying to end it all himself. Does Blaine really mean that?

The members of New Directions are torn between listening at the door and staring at Kurt. They all expect him to already know this, to tell them that it's private and they should go away. But he is just as curious as the rest of them.

Suddenly, footsteps are approaching the door. The club has just enough time to jump back before the door is pulled open by a tearful Blaine.

"Did, uh, did you hear all that?" he asks.

The New Directions are, for once, completely silent. Finally, Puck says, "It was kinda hard not to, dude."

"I've – I've gotta go." Kurt reaches out a hand, but Blaine avoids it. He won't even look Kurt in the eye.

Mr. Schuester is the one who succeeds in stopping Blaine. "Is there anything you need to talk about, Blaine?" he asks while resting a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"God, no! Sorry, no. I just need to be alone right now." And with that, Blaine runs off down the hallway.

Kurt never knew that his boyfriend had been through so much. He never knew that Blaine felt so alone.

After Blaine runs off, they enter the classroom and see a defeated-looking Cooper sitting in one of the plastic chairs with his head in his hands. When he realizes that there is a roomful of teenagers and two concerned adults watching him, he sits up and wipes off his face. With a falsely cheerful voice, Cooper stands up and resumes his lesson. "Alright. Tips for auditions."

* * *

Will Schuester approaches Cooper after the master class lets out.

"Do you want to tell me what all that was about between you and Blaine?" he asks.

Cooper shakes his head, but looks a little shocked. With the way that everyone in New Directions treats Blaine, he had assumed that they knew everything. But the man standing before him clearly knows nothing. "It's not my place to tell. Our family isn't very good at opening up to anyone. When Blaine is ready, I'm sure he'll tell you guys. Especially after … what you overheard earlier."

* * *

When Will returns to his apartment, Emma immediately senses that something is wrong. Without preamble, he turns to her and asks, "Have you seen Blaine Anderson's file?"

She shakes her head. Figgins was probably the only person in the school who had seen it at the time of Blaine's transfer. "Why?"

"He said some things to Cooper today. Well, shouted is more like it. He obviously didn't know that the rest of the glee club was right there and could hear him. But, what he said – it was pretty serious. I'm a little concerned for him."

Emma nods thoughtfully before lightly squeezing Will's hands. "I'll see what I can do."

* * *

Kurt is annoyed with Blaine. They boy is completely ignoring him. He isn't answering his calls or texts or anything. Why had Blaine lied to him – omitted so much? Kurt doesn't even care anymore that Blaine _had _lied, he just wants to know why Blaine thought he had to keep anything from him. He does love him after all.

* * *

Kurt makes up his mind during his drive to school Monday morning. Instead of meeting up with Mercedes and Tina and Mike to hang out before classes, he makes a beeline for Ms. Pillsbury's office. He smiles a bit in greeting to Mr. Schuester who was just leaving the office when Kurt arrived.

Ms. Pillsbury looks a bit surprised at the knock on her door – whether because it was before school started or that she wasn't used to students actually coming to her for advice, Kurt doesn't know.

He sits down in the chair in her office and spills out his heart. He is worried about Blaine, about what he overheard. And now Blaine is avoiding him. "Please, can you do anything?"

Emma nods and assures Kurt that she will try to talk to Blaine. She clutches the file she'd pulled that morning tightly in her hand as Kurt left. This is now a second person expressing concern over the same boy. With a deep breath, she opens the folder labeled "Anderson, Blaine".

* * *

When Kurt sees Blaine heading towards their lunch table, his heart swells. Maybe he'd been overreacting and everything was actually fine. But the look in Blaine's eyes convinces Kurt otherwise.

Kurt had expected him to be angry. But he hadn't expected this. This … venom. The words Blaine says almost stop Kurt's heart. "Did you ever think that maybe the reason I've never talked about it is because I'm not totally over it yet? That maybe I still get those feelings and the only way to stop myself is to push it all down?"

_Those feelings,_ Kurt thinks, _does he mean what he said about ending it all?_

* * *

When Mr. Schuester says that Blaine has an announcement to make in glee club on Tuesday, Kurt's insides freeze. He feels a little betrayed, actually, that Blaine is okay with telling the entire club everything but can't do his boyfriend the favor of telling him first. Even though they'd been together for over six months - nearing a year, actually.

He knows it's stupid. Some things are easier to tell to a bunch of people because it feels less personal.

As the truth – or a small part of it, at least – spills from Blaine's lips, Kurt feels like his brain has stopped working and his heart is beating in overdrive. Blaine had blatantly lied to Kurt from the very start.

And then he mentions the coma, how he really had almost not woken up. And Kurt's heart slows again. Blaine was - _is_ _still - _terrified. He hadn't been hiding it to be spiteful, he hid it because he was in pain and he was scared and he was worried that people would leave him if they knew.

* * *

After Blaine's abridged confession in glee club, Emma returns to her office and waits. Like clockwork, Will walks in right when the group's rehearsal ends. He sinks down into the chair in front of her desk and finally lets his cheery facade fall.

"My God, Emma, that poor boy."

All Emma can do is nod. Technically, she can tell Will about what she'd read in Blaine's records because he is Blaine's teacher – and because there is a legitimate concern that Blaine might try something drastic, recent events considered. But she still hasn't totally made up her mind about whether or not she should. Will Blaine ever tell anyone on his own?

Will senses her hesitation. "You've read his file. You know everything that happened to him."

Emma nods, her wide eyes filled with pain.

"How much can you tell me?"

"Technically, I can share all of it, but I think it really needs to be Blaine who shares. There is so much more to his story than the clinical notes in his file."

"I got a sense of that today. It seems that we overheard the real story on Friday and got the clinical notes today." He pauses. "I don't think I want you to tell me anything much, at least not now. But can I ask you something? Blaine mentioned to Cooper something about ending it all. Did he – uh, was he talking about-"

Emma nods.

_Shit_, Will thinks, _I should have paid him closer attention back then, I should have realized how much Dave affected him._

* * *

**a/n: there are two chapters left of this story. I've already finished chapter 6 and, I have to say, it doesn't really count as a full chapter - barely 500 words. But it didn't fit elsewhere, so it's its own thing. I should be finished with ch. 7 relatively soon so now all my lovely readers have a chance to decide when I'll be publishing. I can publish ch. 6 on Monday or Tuesday and then do ch. 7 on Friday, or I can keep up with the one chapter a week thing. Let me know - in a review or a message here or on tumblr (I'm my-own-patronus on tumblr)**


	6. Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane

_October 2010_

It had been almost two years since the shit hit the fan. Almost two years since Blaine's life had been completely shattered, partially fixed, and shattered again.

It was now Blaine's second year at Dalton. Sophomore year. Finally. For a while, it had seemed like Blaine was a perpetual freshman, doomed to repeat that awful year forever. But he had made it through the hardest and the worst mostly whole.

He wasn't struggling as much at school anymore; the headaches had almost stopped. He did always have more headaches after performing due to a combination of nerves, high energy, loud noises, and bright lights. But he found that he really loved performing. And today, he would be soloing for the first time.

The Warblers had planned a surprise performance in the senior commons, and Blaine had been selected as the soloist. They picked out the song, rehearsed it until it felt tired, and waited for the chosen day to arrive.

So why was Blaine having so much trouble getting to the commons? He should be excited about this. He wanted this, he was proud of this, and it was starting in ten minutes. Yet here he was, sitting in a corner of the library, looking at the screen of his phone. He dialed Cooper's number and listened to it ring one, two, three, four times before informing him that the voice mailbox was full. Cooper never answered. He was expecting that result. And yet... Blaine always secretly hoped that Cooper would answer and the two would talk for hours as if they'd never been apart.

He quickly gathered his bag and headed out of the library, making his way to the senior commons.

* * *

For once in his life, Blaine was thankful that Cooper didn't answer. If Cooper had answered, Blaine would have been delayed even more. He wouldn't have been running down the main stairwell at that exact moment.

* * *

As Blaine ran down the staircase, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see a boy – a boy who very obviously did not attend Dalton. The boy asked what was going on, and Blaine was overcome by some bravery. He grabbed the boy's hand and guided him to the commons. Blaine sang his heart out. He sang to the boy.

They talked. Blaine, Wes, David, and the boy, Kurt. Kurt was being bullied at his school. Just like Blaine was before the dance. So Blaine told him to do what he never got the chance to do.

They exchanged numbers, and Kurt walked back to his car.

Blaine watched Kurt's retreating back and pulled his phone from his pocket. He dialed Cooper's number. Cooper didn't answer.

* * *

When Blaine's phone rang a few days later, his heart jumped to his throat. He knew that he shouldn't get his hopes up, but he still couldn't give up on Cooper.

He was only slightly disappointed when Kurt's name appeared on the screen. The disappointment was quickly replaced with anger - at himself for giving Kurt such awful advice, and at the bullies who tried to make Kurt's life a living hell, just like they'd done to Blaine.

So he agreed to go to Kurt's school and talk to the bully. The bully who was afraid of himself, afraid of his own feelings. The bully who tried to hide himself and his feelings from the world.

It scared Blaine how similar he was to the hulking football player.

* * *

It was Thanksgiving and Cooper was once again absent. Blaine's mother suggested that they all call him to wish him a happy day, and he realized that he hadn't tried calling Cooper since October.

Blaine doesn't call.


	7. Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go

_May 2012_

None of the New Directions make any mention of Blaine's past. Sure, they all treat him a bit more gently, but they say nothing about what he'd told them, for which he is grateful.

Things are finally getting back to normal in Blaine's life. Cooper had returned to LA, but now calls Blaine weekly. Blaine chuckles slightly at this – now the tables are turned and Cooper is the one desperately trying to contact the other. They have brief, impersonal conversations, but it's something.

Blaine sometimes catches Kurt looking at him as if he wants to say something, but doesn't know how. He isn't sure if he wants Kurt to say it or not.

* * *

Blaine has precalculus with Tina and Kurt. This week has been stressful, what with AP exams and practice for nationals. He is sitting in his seat between his two friends, trying to do his work. But the page seems to be swimming before his eyes and he feels a headache like none that he has experienced in over a year. The lights are too bright, and the tapping of Kurt's pen is far too loud. The scratch of the chalk across the chalkboard threatens to split Blaine's skull.

With a moan, he drops his head and begins rubbing his temples.

Kurt is the first to notice. "Blaine, are you okay?" But even that whisper is too loud for Blaine. He shakes his head and raises a hand.

"Can I – can I go to the nurse?" he asks quietly when the teacher calls on him.

She gives him a doubtful look. She thinks he is faking. "Is it an emergency, Blaine?"

He can only manage to nod his head. Kurt speaks up for him. "He has a, uh, a condition. He really does need to get to the nurse." Tina nods fervently in agreement.

The teacher sighs. "Fine, Blaine, pack up your things."

Kurt makes to follow Blaine as he shuffles out of the classroom, but his teacher fixes him with such a glare that he sinks right back into his seat.

* * *

Blaine is thankful that classes are in session and the hallways are, for once, silent. He enters the nurse's office, and the bright lights hits him like a truck. The nurse, a kindly woman in her late 20s named Jenn, immediately senses something is wrong and guides the boy to one of the cots. "What's wrong, honey?"

"Headache … lights too bright," he murmurs. Understanding, she turns off the lights and brings a curtain around the bed to try to muffle the noise. "What's your name?"

"Blaine – Blaine Anderson. Can I have some Advil or something?"

Jenn looks sympathetically down at the boy on her cot. "We need parents' permission to distribute any drugs at school. Let me just check your file to see if your parents signed the consent form at the beginning of the year," she says in a soft voice.

Blaine's heart drops. His file probably has a big red flashing light on it that screams "No drugs!"

Jenn comes back a moment later with a concerned expression on her face. "I'm sorry, Blaine. We don't have permission to give you anything, and I can't get a hold of your parents. I can give you some water and let you stay here for the rest of the period to see if that helps."

Blaine had known that that would be the answer, so he nods and tries to find a comfortable position on the bed. Jenn watches sadly as the poor boy tries to fight the pain.

He finally falls into a shallow sleep and Jenn lets him sleep through the last two classes of the day. She wakes him when the final bell rings. "Are you feeling better, Blaine?"

"A bit," he lies. He grabs his bag and walks over to the choir room. It probably isn't a good idea to go to glee practice, but he really shouldn't be driving right now, either.

* * *

When Blaine walks into the classroom a few minutes after everyone else, Kurt notices him wince at the lights and shouts. He walks over to Blaine and takes his bag. Blaine doesn't protest as Kurt leads him to their chairs.

Tina and Mike come over to check up on Blaine when he sits down. "Are you feeling better?" Tina asks. She looks like she's ready to cry.

Blaine hesitates – and then shakes his head no.

"What happened?" Kurt asks quietly.

Blaine takes a deep breath before beginning to explain in as few words as possible. "I still get pretty bad headaches from time to time."

"Why?" Mike asked.

"Brain injury. From being hit in the head so many times after the dance at my old school."

The three fall silent. Blaine is only opening up like this because he is in too much pain to care.

"Can't they give you a Tylenol or something?" Kurt asks.

Blaine almost laughs when he shakes his head. "No, I'm not allowed near any drugs anymore."

Kurt opens his mouth to ask what Blaine means by this, but Mr. Schuester comes into the room, followed closely by an excited Ms. Pillsbury, clapping his hands excitedly to call them all to attention.

Kurt notices Blaine's wince and raises his hand. "Mr. Schuester, Blaine's got a really bad headache. Can I drive him home?"

"No, Kurt, it's fine. I've had to deal with these for a few years now," Blaine says quietly, putting a hand on his boyfriend's thigh and squeezing lightly.

"You know," Finn says, "I've got some Tylenol in my locker for after tough games and stuff. Do you want some?"

Blaine notices Ms. Pillsbury tense up from her corner of the room.

Before Blaine can answer, Ms. Pillsbury speaks up. "Finn, you're not supposed to have any sort of medication in the school outside of the nurse's office."

"Then why doesn't he go to the nurse?" Finn says.

"I already went," Blaine admits, feeling every pair of eyes on him. "But they can't – won't give me anything."

"Why not?" Finn just keeps pushing. Even Kurt knows that this is a sensitive topic, or at least, Blaine assumes that's what Kurt is thinking from the way his hand is tightening over Blaine's.

"My parents won't let them. They're … afraid." Blaine takes a deep breath. He knew he was going to have to tell them sooner or later, and the opportunity seems to be presenting itself now.

Ms. Pillsbury senses what Blaine is about to do, and jumps in. "Blaine, you must be feeling just awful right now. I can drive you home so no one else has to miss practice."

"No, it's okay Ms. Pillsbury. I think I'm ready."

Will makes the connection from the exchange. Blaine can't have drugs. Emma has read Blaine's records, she knows the secrets of his past. She said that he tried to kill himself once. The shock registers on his face, and Blaine knows that he knows now, too.

The rest of the glee club, however, is still in the dark. Including Kurt. "What's going on, Blaine?" he asks timidly.

"There was a lot more to the stuff that I told you guys earlier. About my past." Talking about this is taking Blaine's attention off of his splitting headache. It's actually helping to dull the pain. "After the stuff that happened at my old school. I, uh, well my family is pretty detached – we don't like to talk about emotions. And Cooper was off in LA and not returning my calls. My one friend from my old school – his family was so ashamed that they moved at the beginning of the summer. Then I transferred to Dalton and I had all these friends but I had to lie to them about everything. Every night, I kept reliving those few moments I could remember from the dance. And my headaches were a lot more frequent then, so I wasn't doing too well in my classes. I got really fed up with it all one day, this was in the fall of my freshman year at Dalton, and I just...stopped. I stopped trying. I had a bunch of extra painkillers from when I was first released from the hospital, so I just downed the entire bottle."

The room was silent.

"So now, my parents don't let me really take any drugs – except the ones that I really have to. No one in my house takes anything. Well, if my parents do, I guess they keep them at the office." Blaine leaves out the sleeping pills that he knows his father keeps in the medicine cabinet.

Blaine can hear Tina sniffling from beside him, and is almost tempted to laugh.

After a few minutes of silence – which feel like hours – Kurt speaks up. "Why did you never tell me any of this?"

"I wasn't ready before. It was all too … raw. But there is nothing that could make me want to do that ever again," he says, the last part just for Kurt.

Now that Blaine is done talking, the pain in his head comes back full force. Usually, he just waits a headache out. They really aren't that bad anymore.

"Why?" Blaine suddenly hears a voice ask from across the classroom. It is the last person he would have expected, but somehow it makes perfect sense. Santana.

"Why what? Why did I try to kill myself?"

The way that he says it so casually hurts Kurt so much.

"I don't know if I necessarily wanted to die, I just wanted to go to a place where I didn't have to feel anything. I hated keeping everything bottled up." It occurs to Blaine as he says these words out loud that that's exactly what he did once the dust settled. He kept everything bottled up, and didn't even acknowledge his past in the privacy of his own mind.

The headache is receding a bit, and Blaine can feel a wave of tiredness crashing over him.

"Hey," Kurt says quietly, "do you want me to give you a ride home now?"

Blaine can barely nod.

"I'm going to take him home," Kurt says to Mr. Schuester. Will only nods.

Neither boy looks back at the classroom. Blaine feels a bit bad, burdening them all with his shit. But inside, he feels lighter than he has felt since before the dance.

* * *

Before they walk down the hallway, Kurt stops Blaine and faces him. Blaine is worried for a moment. Is Kurt pissed that he never told him this?

"Blaine Anderson," Kurt begins, taking both of Blaine's hands in his, "I am so proud of you. I love you so much and I don't want you to feel like you ever have to keep anything like that from me ever again."

"I know," Blaine whispers.

Kurt leans forward and gently places a kiss on Blaine's lips. Blaine smiles, more genuinely than he has in weeks, and Kurt begins leading him to the parking lot again.

Blaine falls asleep moments after sitting down in Kurt's car and doesn't hear his phone ringing, nor does he see Cooper's name on the screen. But when Blaine wakes up hours later, in his own bed, he pulls out his phone and dials Cooper's number.

It stops on the third ring.

"Hello?"

* * *

**a/n: well, that's the end of it. Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! I hope you enjoyed it. I will be posting some more stuff here that's already published on tumblr and some other new stuff, too, so keep on the lookout for all that. As always, my tumblr url is my-own-patronus.**


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